When Is Enough ‘Really’ Enough?!

My intentions when I first started out with my blog were always to write about what I wanted when I wanted. I do not write for attention or praise but comments are most welcome. I enjoy putting my feelings down on paper (or computer) and for you to come back to me saying that you can some what relate to this. Also with limited support I have come to rely on blogging as a release, it helps lift the weight off my shoulders at times when I really need it.

I have 24+ blog ideas written in my blog planner and what seems like no time to write them. Everyone wants a piece of Mummy! What about what I want? Does this really make me a selfish person to want a break now and again?

Yesterday just before I began making dinner for my babies I started experiencing chest pains. It felt like someone had stamped on my chest and they were on and off all evening and all of today. I decided after feeling a tingling sensation up my back and in my neck this afternoon  I would go to the hospital and get checked out.

After an ECG, blood tests and a chest x-ray I was told all test results were negative and they have put it down to stress and anxiety attacks. So what do I do now? I was advised to rest…there’s no rest for the wicked? Who will manage the kids and my other Mummy duties?

I go through stages of feeling like I’m doing a good job with an organised routine and happy children and then other days (like the past 2 days) that I have been home bound in my pjs! Is this normal? It’s okay to have a few lazy days without there being a problem…isn’t it?

I have enjoyed the Easter break, waking up feeling as though the world is our oyster and we are free to plan our day as we wish without appointments and pre-school. I will however be happy to get back into a routine tomorrow and already next week is packed with the usual groups, pre-school and appointments.

Structure and routine are what keep me sane, without this I don’t know where my head would be. I have worked really hard since receiving Riley’s diagnosis (June 15) to plan ahead and always to be on top of what is next to come, thinking the worst and hoping for the best.

Somethings not working? Anxiety attacks…whatever next?

5,6,7,8+ years ago I was embarrassingly to say a stupid, spoilt little brat with a chip on her shoulder. I thought I was better that everyone else. I was wounde up so tight and unbelievably jealous always wanting to be center of attention (I don’t know why but I had my issues!)

People change. And people change people! I think I have grown into a being good Mum, a good friend (not that I have many!) And I have calmed down on the jealousy front. Living by the rules if you are going to do something then you are going to do it full stop. You cannot change someones actions by force.

I’m happy – my babies make me so incredibly happy. They do my fricking head in to the point I want to pull out my hair but within seconds I forgive them. Even with Riley’s Autism I wouldn’t change a single hair on their heads. We are all born who we are meant to be so what crave to be anything other than that?

Feeling lonely is my biggest fear. I will always have my babies and for that I forever grateful but who else in my life can I say has always been there for me…no one! I have, since being old enough bounced from place to place trying to find somewhere to call ‘home’ and yet now I have found my safe place it’s not at all what I hoped it would be.

I want the best for my babies that goes without saying. I wish for happiness and good health for us all. I want to get along in life even if that means making small talk with the neighbors and other Mums in the playground. I want to be on top of everything Autism for Riley, clubs, dance and ballet for Summer. I just want to be me! The bubbly, independent, confident, outgoing, say it how it is Clare. Not someone who is scared or worried to say how she feels. Is that selfish of me? There is only 1 me and I’m broken down into 50% Riley and 50% Summer. You work out the math.

I’m pottering through life which seems to be whizzing by, in a world of my own where I struggle to know what day it is from one to the next. Trying to do my best by everyone, I fail to see what more I can give. I want peace, happiness, trust, love and support. Is that too much to ask? I have morals, standards and just because someone did something terrible doesn’t mean I would follow in their footsteps. When is enough really enough to call it a day?

I’m so tired of this. You either want something or you don’t. You want to make something work or you don’t. You want to scream and shout or you want to laugh. You want to love or you want to hate. You want to live for the moment or live in the past. Why can’t things just be black or white, yes or no? All the in between is so exhausting!

Rant over, from a very tired and fed up…

Mumsy Mum x


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