Dear Diary…

Oh no wait…I don’t own a diary! I haven’t had one for many many years.

When I was much younger my Mum encouraged me to write a diary as a way to express how I was feeling inside. The younger me was a very angry person, for what reason I am still trying to piece the puzzle together.

A few months later to my dismay I found out my Mum had been reading my inner most personal and secret thoughts and feelings from within my diary. I felt betrayed, embarrassed, vulnerable. Not only was my guard completely down but I was then questioned about certain things I had written. Certain things that I couldn’t explain myself let alone for others to try and understand. I did not apprehend anyone reading these in the first place!
From that day forward I swore I’d never write down on a piece of paper how I was feeling or if I did I’d write it in such a way I wouldn’t mind if someone were to find this. The truth is I have never had my own personal space where I can just be 100% myself and not feel judged. That’s sad, isn’t it?!

I guess I grew up not knowing any different, keeping my feelings and thoughts locked away deep within. I felt the anger inside my belly grow, I snapped and occasionally from time to time would burst out in tears over the smallest of things. I was/ am a very sensitive person. I keep my guard up at all times. Although my outer exterior is as hard as nails deep within I’m like a plate of jelly and very fragile.

When I found out my son was Autistic I knew I needed to find a new way to release how I was feeling rather than keeping everything bottled up. Anxiety had a huge hold on my childhood and I wasn’t about to make it deemed a commonplace for my children to grow up around.

I was the annoying person who’d write super long Facebook posts about everything I’d been up to that day. Everything from bathing the kids to hanging out the washing. Activities that had absolutely no interest to anyone whatsoever accept myself. I found this was a good way for me to release how I was feeling, even if no one really cared.

One day a Facebook friend mentioned I should write a blog. A few weeks later I set up a blog on WordPress. I later developed my own website and personalised this through self teaching.

I’m very proud of my own little space on the internet where I can express how I’m feeling. Yes I agree it’s one step further than writing my feelings down on paper, instead I’m writing online for the whole world to see. Perhaps now I feel ready to open up, and more than anything show others that it’s ok to express how you’re feeling. Holding your thoughts and feeling in only eats you up. It causes unnecessary anxiety and in my case depression!

Always be yourself and above all be kind. Everyone is fighting their own battles. This is how, at the age of 31 I’ve helped myself to cope with my feelings, anxiety and depression. What works for one may not work for others but believe me, you’re not alone! I’ve learned over the years that very few people talk about how they’re feeling because they too don’t want to be judged or perceived in a certain way.

This makes me wonder. How many of us truly act ourselves??

What do you think?


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