5 minute cry on the bottom step – Autism Parent

After yet another disagreement and closure of the door. Riley, Summer and I were all left feeling really stressed and miserable. Why are somethings so difficult when they should be simple?!


Riley took himself and his iPad up to his room and laid on his bed around 4 ish. Summer had a full-blown meltdown kicking and screaming on the floor because she couldn’t leave with Daddy. I comfort Summer on the sofa, telling myself inside to stay calm so I don’t give off bad vibes. Summer falls asleep, I wouldn’t normally allow her to sleep after 3pm but I felt it was probably for the best today.

I sneak into the kitchen to start on dinner. I finish off the 4 loads of washing, tidy up the toys, shine the kettle – anything to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I can avoid thinking. I raid the cupboards for the kids lunch tomorrow as I have isolated us all today and we’re clean out of the bare essentials ie milk and bread.


Dinners ready. I head up to Riley’s room with a tray and he’s soundo! I tried to wake him but also decided to leave him to snooze. I wake Summer, she’s of course NOT happy but eats a bit of dinner whilst we watched Cbeebies together. We then head upstairs and she has a warm, bubble bath all to herself (not having to share with her brother for a change) All fed, cleaned and moisturised we cuddle up together in Summer’s bed and start to watch Frozen.

About 15 minutes into the movie Riley wakes up crying/ screaming. He sounded chesty and looked rosy so I race downstairs to get him some Calpol. Riley is 3 years old, developmentally he is 12 months old and physically the size of an aged 5-6 year old, to clue you in. Riley’s a tall boy and very strong! I go into his room and sit on the bed and try to give him some Calpol. He spits this out and gets himself into a right state. Riley was coughing to the point his was going to gag and this continued for a few minutes before he settled in my arms.


I watch him laying there thinking all the ‘what if’s’ I whisper ‘it’s ok, Mummy’s here’ and he pushes my face to the side to stop me from looking at him. It’s a toughie, I wouldn’t let anyone treat me like this but when it’s your son you just have to suck it up . I watch Riley settle but he kept screwing his face up as though he was in pain so I give him the Calpol quickly.

The only way to then describe Riley’s behaviour is a mini fit. Which to most of you that know us will come as a rather big shock. Riley is usually as mellow as magic, he’s easy going, reserved and in his own bubble, he’s no trouble at all.

But BANG out of nowhere Riley started smacking, kicking, pinching, scratching, screaming. It was an array of swinging of arms and legs, he kicked me in the throat and at one point my glasses flew off. I instantly broke down and ran downstairs to have a cry away from Riley. I have never experienced him like this before it was a real shock to the system.


I felt/ feel scared and lonely. Riley isn’t getting any smaller, will I cope on my own?! I sit on the bottom step in tears wanting to help my little boy who is unable to communicate and tell me what the matter is. After a good cry I head back upstairs to Riley who is still in a state.

I take in a cold cloth and surprisingly he allowed me to dab this on his forehead. I crouch down in front of him, he gets my hands and pushes me to stand up. This carries on for about 10 minutes crying and getting frustrated with me not doing what he wants me to because he cannot talk to me. I move around the room allowing Riley to guide me where I can stand/ kneel to be allowed to comfort him and show him I’m there for him.


Once I find a spot I gradually moved closer to him without trying to cause any distress. After patiently waiting I move in for a cuddle and he rests his head on my shoulder allowing me to comfort him. It’s in that very moment right there that instantly makes me forget about all the kicking and screaming.


That is the heartbreaking truth of this evening. I speak from first hand experience. I welcome any feedback, experiences you may have had and will take on advice if you have found a way to conquer moments like this.


Of course I only want what is best for my little boy. My boy is just 3 and every day I am learning something new. I’m not an expert and this blog is simply to just offload and perhaps someone out there can relate back to this?



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  1. 06/12/2016 / 6:29 AM

    Big hugs. It’s hard when they can’t tell you what’s wrong and frustrating for them and for you. My son can push and hit. Sometimes it comes from nowhere so unexpectedly when he’s laughing with you and it’s hard to keep that balance of not taking it personally.

    You’re doing a great job. Don’t forget it.